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a plea

Friday 20th March 2009

... and you're not going to like it.

Sorry it's been a while, I'm still a bit ill and such energy as I have I've been conserving for the unavoidable stuff like writing Now Show songs and driving to Cheltenham.

The other reason I've been slightly putting off blogging is that I have something to say which I've not been looking forward to saying, as I know however I phrase it it's going to come over as graceless and mean-spirited, but here goes anyway...

From time to time, aspiring - or perhaps accomplished but as-yet unrecognised - comic songwriters email me funny lyrics they've written.  Since The Now Show came back a couple of weeks ago this has picked up to the point where I'm now receiving one of these emails at least every other day, sometimes more often than that.

Here's the bit where I put my Git Head on, apologies in advance...

PLEASE STOP SENDING ME FUNNY LYRICS.

I'm sure a lot of them are very good; I say I'm sure because I haven't read any of them.   Some of the senders explain in their emails that they'd be interested in writing for me, some others simply want my feedback, but here's the thing; I'm not reading them.  Because I can't.

In the case of those who want to write for me; my deal with the BBC is that I write and perform the songs for The Now Show, not simply that I come up with them by whatever means present themselves...  it's Mitch Benn original compositions they're paying for and it's Mitch Benn originals that I'm contractually obliged to provide.  Even if the terms of the deal allowed for me to "sub-contract" other writers, frankly they're not paying me enough for me to pay anyone else, and besides, if the resultant song were wholly someone else's work I'd be morally obliged to pass on all the money, and then there's no point my being there.   So even if I wanted to "hire" someone to write "my" songs I couldn't, either legally or ethically.

There's another, even bigger problem which also concerns those who just seek my input or advice...  It's very sweet of you to ask, but sending me your funny lyrics - especially while the Now Show's on - actually makes my job, which is never easy at the best of times, considerably harder.  I'll explain:

I can only write about what's in the news, and at any given time there are only a few stories which are in any way good candidates for the funny song treatment, and most weeks at least a couple of those will have been "bagsied" by Steve and Hugh for the week's big themes.  So I'm left with maybe four or five possible stories a week if I'm lucky, and out of that I have to get three songs. 

The hardest part is coming up with the comic "angle"; what aspect of the story to pick up on and make the focus of the song.

Now if, while I'm in the middle of this process, someone in all eagerness and innocence sends me the words to this great song they've written about one of the big stories in the news - I've now lost that idea from my list of potential songs.  I can't use the sender's lyrics (see above) and, worse, while a minute ago I might yet have had that idea or one very like it for myself, I now can't go anywhere near it.  Even if the sender wouldn't mind me using their idea at all, I can't do this (see above again) and I can't come up with something similar because now that's plagiarism.  Even if the BBC never finds out, I'd know (and the sender would know when something very like his idea comes out of the radio a few days later). 

So the result of the sender's actions - and I'm guessing by and large the people who do this are fans - is just me being required to find three funny songs from a pool of three or four news stories rather than four or five.  Exponentially harder.

It's got to the point now where I'm not even opening any email with "idea for song" or such like in the subject bar.

Now please, those of you, don't feel hurt by this, and whatever you do, KEEP WRITING.  Send your lyrics to the BBC and try to nick my job out from under me, send them to ad agencies, send them to cabaret artistes who DO use writers, get up on stage someplace and perform them yourself, just don't send them to me.   There's nothing I can do with them and I'm not going to pass them on to anyone else.  I'm ugly but I'm not stupid.

Sorry to be such a sour old bastard, but you see my point, don't you?

 

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